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I’ve always enjoyed a good, dry, clean joke. My wife thinks I have a warped sense of humor, and she’s wrong most infrequently.

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saturday, february 05, 2000

The 1997 Darwin Awards Competition

These awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. Note there was great improvement in the areas of teamwork and cooperation among the candidates in 1997 -- it's no longer an individual sport. Here are (drum roll) the 1997 runners-up and winners:

5th runner-up:

A San Anselmo, California man died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad. 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Centinela Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., The Mono County Sheriff's Department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.

4th Runner-up:

Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police. Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the store-paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.

Continue reading "The 1997 Darwin Awards Competition"

6:10 pm | Comments (0)

friday, february 04, 2000

The MicroSoft TV Dinner

INSTRUCTIONS FOR USE:

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft's rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes:

\mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat//.

Then:

ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy/|\yum yum:-)gohot#cookme>.

If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook dinner.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure.

Remove the dinner from the oven and enter:

/ms.nodarn.good/tryagain\again/again.crud/.

This process may need to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

Warranty: The Microsoft TV Dinner is fully covered under the Microsoft 30/30 Warranty for defects in materials and workmanship. The 30/30 Warranty stands for 30 feet or 30 seconds. If you product is out of warranty, you may still receive support through our 1-900-WELL-GET-OUR-MONEY-OUT-OF-YOU-MORE-THAN-ONCE. A nominal charge of $19.95 per minute is attached to your phone bill. The phone line may be busy, therefore you may have to sit on hold for several hours. Thank you for waiting.

Technical Support: Please see "Warranty" information.

Final Note: Please be aware that there are illegal copies of the Microsoft TV Dinners. If your Microsoft TV Dinner does not have the Microsoft TV Dinner Hologram, it is a fake. Also, if your 112 digit key does not open up your Microsoft TV Dinner, it is a fake. Please report all pirated Microsoft TV Dinners to 1-800-WHO-CARES or 1-800-MS-CARES.

6:08 pm | Comments (0)

thursday, february 03, 2000

Things you would never know without movies

During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A bad German accent will do.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.