sunday, march 05, 2000

Ineffective Daily Affirmations

• As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my inner sociopath.
• I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
• I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
• I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
• In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
• Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.
• My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.
• I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
• Joan of Arc heard voices too.
• I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
• I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.
• As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
• When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.
• The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
• As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
• All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.
• I am at one with my duality.
• Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
• I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday.
• Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
• I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
• Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
• False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
• A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
• Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
• Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone.
• Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
• The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
• I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
• Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step -- blaming my parents.
• To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
• I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

6:24 pm | Comments (0)

saturday, march 04, 2000

Things to Ponder...

• If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
• If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
• Is there another word for synonym?
• Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
• When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
• Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
• Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
• What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
• If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
• Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
• Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
• If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
• If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
• Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
• Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
• If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
• Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
• How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
• Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
• Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
• Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

6:21 pm | Comments (0)

friday, march 03, 2000

Juan the Smuggler

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answered Juan. The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico. "Hey, buddy," says the guard, "I know you're smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

6:19 pm | Comments (0)

thursday, march 02, 2000

Top 20 Things not to say to a Cop

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!
5. Excuse me, is "stick up" hyphenated?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer?
7. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
8. Bad cop! No donut!
9. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
10. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops ?
12. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
13. I pay your salary!
14. So, uh, you on the take, or what?
15. Gee, Officer! That's terrific! The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
16. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
17. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around--that's how far ahead of me they are.
18. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.
19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
20. Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum. (Also OK in Texas).

6:16 pm | Comments (0)

wednesday, march 01, 2000

A Letter to the Boss

The boss asked for a letter describing Bob Smith:

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

A memo was soon sent following the letter:

That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report
sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines
(1, 3, 5, .etc..) for my true assessment of him.

6:14 pm | Comments (0)