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monday, june 05, 2000

How to know if you're ready to have a baby

Mess Test

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons.

Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos (if Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

Grocery Store Test

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Dressing Test

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

Feeding Test

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

Night Test

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 pm begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more songs and sing these too until 4:00 am. Set alarm for 5:00 am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Physical Test (Women)

Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.

Physical Test (Men)

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

Final Assignment

Find a couple who has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

7:05 pm | Comments (0)

sunday, june 04, 2000

1998 Darwin Awards

BUXTON, NC - A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach on the Outer Banks used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, Va., but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital. You just wouldn't believe the outpouring of concern, people digging with their hands, using pails from kids," Dare County Sheriff Bert Austin said.

LOMPOC, CA - In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the large flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) crammed against the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Continue reading "1998 Darwin Awards"

7:03 pm | Comments (0)

saturday, june 03, 2000

Astounding Anagrams

An anagram is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following examples are quite astounding:

DormitoryDirty Room
DesperationA Rope Ends It
The Morse CodeHere Come Dots
Slot MachinesCash Lost in 'em
AnimosityIs No Amity
Snooze AlarmsAlas! No More Z's
Alec GuinnessGenuine Class
SemolinaIs No Meal
The Public Art Galleries Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal PointI'm a Dot in Place
The EarthquakesThat Queer Shake
Eleven plus twoTwelve plus one
ContradictionAccord not in it
EvangelistEvil's Agent
Mother-in-lawWoman Hitler

From Shakespeare's Hamlet:

To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.

Politicians:

George Herbert Walker BushHuge Berserk Rebel Warthog
George BushHe bugs Gore
Ronald Wilson ReaganA long-insane Warlord
Ronald ReaganA darn long era
Leroy Newton GingrichYon Right-winger Clone
Margaret ThatcherThat great charmer
The Conservative PartyTeacher in vast poverty

And a famous quote:

"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind."A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!

6:57 pm | Comments (0)

friday, june 02, 2000

What If People Bought Cars Like They Bought Computers?

GM, Ford or Chrysler don't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers---- but imagine if they did...

HELPLINE: "GM helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened?"
HELPLINE: Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?
CUSTOMER: What's an ignition?
HELPLINE: It's a starter motor that draws current from you battery and turns over the engine.
CUSTOMER: Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car??!!

Continue reading "What If People Bought Cars Like They Bought Computers?"

6:55 pm | Comments (0)

thursday, june 01, 2000

When you're having a bad day

Part I ...

Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hannifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits.

After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jerk!" and hung up.

Continue reading "When you're having a bad day"

6:52 pm | Comments (0)