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thursday, december 30, 2004

Amazing updraft

Two guys were having a drink in a bar located high atop a New York City skyscraper. After a few rounds, the first guy starts telling the other guy about the wind drafts around the building caused by the high concentration of skyscrapers in the area. He told about one, just outside a window of the bar that had an amazing updraft, capable of lifting heavy objects. The other guy thought the first one was pulling his leg, so the first guy decided to show him that it was so.

The first guy opened the window and, much to the surprise of the other patrons, jumped out of the window. The other guy runs up to the window to see the first guy falling fast, slowing, then stopping and slowly rising. He rose right up to the window and was blown back into the bar. The other guy stood amazed. The first guy explained that the strong draft was consistent, and always brought him right back to the bar window. To prove it, he jumped out again, and was slowly brought back and blown in to the bar.

He encouraged the other guy to give it a shot. After finishing his drink, the other guy stepped up and jumped out the window, and quickly fell to the pavement below.

The bartender turns to the first guy and says, “You know, Superman, after a few drinks you can be a real jerk.”

2:55 pm | Comments (0)

tuesday, december 21, 2004

Gift Wrapping Tips for Men

This is the time of year when we think back to the very first Christmas, when the Three Wise Men - Gaspar, Balthazar and Herb - went to see the baby Jesus, and, according to the Book of Matthew, "presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh."

These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover an important, yet often-overlooked, theological fact:

There is no mention of wrapping paper.

If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so: And Lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And the paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman. And Joseph was going to throweth it away, but Mary sayeth unto him, she sayeth, "Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next year!" And Joseph did rolleth his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus was more interested in the paper than the frankincense.''

But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very first Christmas gifts were not wrapped. This is because the people giving those gifts had two important characteristics:

1. They were wise.
2. They were men.

Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off. This is not just my opinion: This is a scientific fact based on a statistical survey of two guys I know. One is my son, Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is "when it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person opens it.'' The other is my friend Gene, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift. " No one ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas," Gene said. "They were the ones that looked like enormous spitballs.''

I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck of cards and put it the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball court, but when I am done folding and taping, you can still see a sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage this sector with a marking pen.) If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape.

On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each individual volt.

My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills - like having babies - that come more naturally to women than to men. That is why today I am presenting:

GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN

Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the recipient opens the gift, and neither one of you recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.

The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring and liquid starch. They must be smoking crack.

If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just put it inside a bag and stick a little adhesive bow on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning:

WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!
WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.
YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
WIFE: I want a divorce.
YOU: I also got you some myrrh.

In conclusion, remember: the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special and spiritually uplifting time of year, is that you save the receipt.

~ Author unknown ~

9:34 am | Comments (0)

monday, december 06, 2004

Quiz for People That Know Everything

  1. There's one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. What is it?
  2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
  3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?
  4. At noon and midnight the hour and minute hands are exactly coincident with each other. How many other times between noon and midnight do the hour and minute hands cross?
  5. What is the only sport in which the ball is always in the possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball?
  6. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
  7. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?
  8. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters "dw." They are all common. Name two of them.
  9. There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name half of them?
  10. Where are the lakes that are referred to in the "Los Angeles Lakers?"
  11. There are seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls -- a walk -- is one way. Name the other six.
  12. It's the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. What is it?
  13. How is it possible for a pitcher to make four or more strikeouts in one inning?
  14. Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet, that begin with the letter "s."
*** ANSWERS ***

Continue reading "Quiz for People That Know Everything"

3:31 pm | Comments (0)

Highway department

One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job-site and realizes they have forgotten all their shovels. The crew's foreman radios the office and tells his supervisor the situation.

The supervisor radios back and says, "Don't worry, we'll send some shovels... just lean on each other until they arrive."

2:45 pm | Comments (0)

Frog noise

A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "No."

The little boy goes on, "Please...please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "No, now go play."

The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise."

So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother 'no' and I'm telling you 'no'."

The little girl says, "Please...please Grandpa make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?"

The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World."

2:38 pm | Comments (0)

Pink dog

A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash, and the barman says, "Geez, that's a weird dog: he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail, but I bet my Rottweiler would beat the heck out of it." Fifty bucks is laid down. Out in the yard, the Rottweiler gets mauled to pieces.

Another drinker says his Pit Bull will win, but the bet is 100 bucks.

Another trip to the yard and, when it's all over, there are bits of Pit Bull all over the place. The drinker pays up and says, "Say, what breed is that anyway?"

The owner says, "Until I cut his tail off and painted him pink, he was the same breed as every other alligator."

2:27 pm | Comments (0)