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wednesday, january 26, 2005

Oakie in China

An Oakie was on a business trip in China, browsing through a department store in Beijing when a staff member approached him.

"Excuse me, sir, are you American?"

"Why yes, yes I am."

"What state are you from?"

"Oklahoma," he proudly exclaimed.

Disappointed, the clerk said, "Oh, I'm sorry. I was hoping to find someone to help me with my English."

3:49 pm | Comments (0)

monday, january 24, 2005

Interview Etiquette

Billy Joe and Billy Ray went to the big city to get jobs. They had been friends since they were kids, so they decided to apply at the same firm. They had finished filling out the applications and were waiting to see the owner. Billy Ray was called in first.

The owner was a stout man, with a weathered face and a scar above his right eye. He also had the distinguishing feature of having no ears, just two tiny holes in the sides of his head. The man ordered Billy Ray to sit down. He leaned across the desk and moved his cigar to the corner of his mouth. He growled at Billy Ray "This is a tough business. You have to be on your toes, keen, observant. Look around the room and tell me what you notice!" Billy Ray looked at the polished glass, chrome furniture, and large bar. He looked at the owner and said "You ain't got no ears!" The owner jumped out of his chair, grabbed Billy Ray by the neck and threw him out of his office.

Billy Joe saw Billy Ray come flying out the door and went over to help his friend up. "What happened?" Billy Joe told him, "What ever you do - don't talk about his ears!" Just then, the intercom buzzed and the secretary told Billy Joe he could go in.

Once again the owner ordered Billy Joe to sit down. He leaned across the desk and moved his cigar to the corner of his mouth. He growled at Billy Joe "This is a tough business. You have to be on your toes, keen, observant. Look around the room and tell me what you notice!" Billy Joe looked at the polished glass, chrome furniture, and large bar. He looked at the owner and said "You wear contacts!"

The owner stood up in amazement. "That's awesome perception! How could you tell that from way over there?"

"It's obvious," said Billy Joe. "You can't wear glasses because you ain't got no ears!"

5:36 am | Comments (0)

tuesday, january 18, 2005

Sleepy cabbie

418kb

In-the-cab video of a cabbie who falls asleep at the wheel.

5:25 pm | Comments (0)

Remote Control

"Check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

5:11 pm | Comments (0)

friday, january 14, 2005

Enjoying Life

The rich industrialist from the North was horrified to find the southern fisherman lying lazily beside his boat, smoking a pipe.

"Why aren't you out fishing?" said the industrialist.

"Because I've caught enough fish for the day," said the fisherman.

"Why don't you catch some more?"

"What would I do with 'em?"

"You could earn more money," was the industrialist's reply. "With that you could have a motor fixed to your boat and go into deeper waters and catch more fish. Then you would make enough to buy nylon nets. These would bring you more fish and more money. Soon you would have enough money to own two boats . . . maybe even a fleet of boats. Then you would be a rich man like me."

"What would I do then?" asked the fisherman.

"Then you could really enjoy life."

"What do you think I'm doing right now?"

8:01 am | Comments (0)

friday, january 07, 2005

Bad day at the tables

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck I've had today! What in the world should I do now?"

A man standing next to her suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?" He walks away.

Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"

The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"

10:59 pm | Comments (0)

Thoughts on ants

I suppose when ants get stepped on, they have no idea what hit them. But I'll bet that hasn't stopped them from coming up with fancy names for it, like "spontaneous compression" or "vertical planar syndrome."

10:57 pm | Comments (0)

Retirement plans

As I was checking my 401(k) account and thinking about retirement, I saw an article about how costly nursing and retirement homes are.

Then it hit me. No nursing home for me!

Here is my plan: I'm checking into the Holiday Inn.

With the average cost for a nursing home reaching $188 per day, there is a better way when we get old and feeble. I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn.

For a combined long-term stay discount and senior discount, it's $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for breakfast, lunch, dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service. It also will leave enough for laundry, gratuities, and special TV movies. Plus, I'll get a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, and washer and dryer. I'll also get free toothpaste, razors, shampoo and soap. And I'll be treated like a customer, not a patient.

Five dollars worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling.

There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free.

The handicap bus will also pick me up if I fake a decent limp. Ride the church bus free on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere.

Meanwhile, the cash keeps building up.

It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. On the other hand, Holiday Inn will take your reservation today.

And you are not stuck in one place forever -- you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.

Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there, too.

TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything and apologize for the inconvenience.

The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks if you are OK. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to visit you, and probably check in for a mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool. What more can you ask for?

When I discussed my plan with friends, they came up with even more benefits that Holiday Inn provides retirees. Most standard rooms have coffee makers, reclining chairs, and satellite TV -- all you need to enjoy a cozy afternoon.

After a movie and a good nap, you can check on your children (free local phone calls), then take a stroll to the lounge or restaurant where you meet new and exotic people every day.

Many Holiday Inns even feature live entertainment on the weekends. Often they have special offers, too, like the Kids Eat Free program. You can invite your grandkids over after school to have a free dinner with you. Just tell them not to bring more than three friends.

Pick a Holiday Inn where they allow pets, and your best friend can keep you company as well. If you want to travel, but are a bit skittish about unfamiliar surroundings, you'll always feel at home because wherever you go, the rooms all look the same. And if you're getting a little absent-minded in your old days, you never have to worry about not finding your room -- your electronic key fits only one door and the helpful bellman or desk clerk is on duty 24/7.

Being natural skeptics, we called a Holiday Inn to check out the feasibility of my plan. I'm happy to report that they were positively giddy at the idea of us checking in for a year or more. They even offered to negotiate the rate. We could have easily knocked them down to $40 a night!

So, when I reach the golden age I'll face it with a grin.
Just forward all your emails to the Holiday Inn!

10:53 pm | Comments (0)

thursday, january 06, 2005

Irate driver

A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

6:08 am | Comments (0)