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monday, february 28, 2005

Heart Healthy

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. 
 
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies. 

  1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 

  2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 

  3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 

  4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 

  5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like.  Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

6:16 am | Comments (0)

monday, february 14, 2005

Killer Puzzle

A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then let's put all these frosted flakes back in the box."

12:50 pm | Comments (0)

friday, february 11, 2005

Sound mindedness

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.  One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end.  He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
 
Edna promptly jumped in to save him.  She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.  When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
 
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news.  The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself right after you saved him with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom.  I am so sorry, but he's dead."
 
Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.  How soon can I go home?"

5:31 am | Comments (0)

Bag Boy

Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed that the bag boy was eyeing my two adopted children curiously. They often draw scrutiny, since my son's a blond Russian, while my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin.

The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car. Finally, he asked, "Are those your kids?"

"Yes, they are!" I answered proudly.

"They adopted?" he asked.

"Yes," I replied.

"I thought so," he concluded. "I figured you're too old to have kids that small."

3:55 am | Comments (0)