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friday, april 22, 2005

Church Gossip

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose in the other members' private lives. Church members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny; he said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house and left it there all night.

7:57 am | Comments (0)

thursday, april 14, 2005

Flag Pole

A group of managers is trying to calculate the height of a flag pole. They try to measure its height by lining up their thumbs and then turning the thumb 90 degrees and marking a spot on the ground. Then they try to use its shadow and trig functions, but no luck.

A engineer comes by and watches for a few minutes. He asks one of the managers what they're doing.

"We're trying to calculate the height of this flag pole."

The engineer watches a few minutes more and then, without saying a word, he walks over, pulls the pole out of the ground, lays it down, measures it, writes the measurement on a piece of paper, gives it to one of the managers and walks away.

The manager looks at the paper, snickers and says to the other anagers: "Isn't that just like an engineer?! We're trying to calculate the height and he gives us the length."

4:56 am | Comments (0)

wednesday, april 13, 2005

Men's Rules

We always hear "the rules" from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
Please note: these are all numbered "1" on purpose, because we don't know what order they should be.....

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. All men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing is wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

9:08 am | Comments (0)

Tax Day

It was April and Tax Day was looming when an elderly woman showed up at my desk at the IRS. She said she required a thick stack of tax forms. "Why so many?" I asked.

"My son is overseas," she said. "He asked me to pick up forms for the soldiers on the base."

"You shouldn't have to do this," I told her. "It's the base commander's job to make sure that his troops have access to the forms they need."

"I know," she said, "I'm the base commander's mother."

5:30 am | Comments (0)

tuesday, april 12, 2005

Words Women Use

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. This means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.

9:22 pm | Comments (0)

monday, april 11, 2005

The Interpreter

The mafia was looking for a new man to make their collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'. Feeling the heat from the police, they decided to use a deaf person for the job -- if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

On his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50M. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so they drags the guy to an interpreter. The hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where the money is." The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?" The collector replies, "I don't know what you're talking about." The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The hood puts his piece in the deaf collector's ear, and says, "Now ask him where the money is. The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?" The deaf man replies, "The $50M is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate."

The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger."

8:06 am | Comments (0)

thursday, april 07, 2005

Navy Golf

8:10 am | Comments (0)

Rules of Life

  1. Never give yourself a haircut after three alcoholic beverages of any kind.

  2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use the WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn't, use the duct tape.

  3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right."

  4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

  5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

  6. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her - believe them.

  7. Learn to pick your battles. Ask yourself, "Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?"

  8. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

  9. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance.

  10. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.

  11. Work is good, but it's not that important.

  12. And finally, be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

6:31 am | Comments (0)

Hu's In China


Bush: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
Bush: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
Bush: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
Bush: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
Bush: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
Bush: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
Bush: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
Bush: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
Bush: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
Bush: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
Bush: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
Bush: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
Bush: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
Bush: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
Bush: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
Bush: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
Bush: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
Bush: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
Bush: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
Bush: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
Bush: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
Bush: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
Bush: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
Bush: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
Bush: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
Bush: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
Bush: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
Condi: (On the phone) Rice, here.
Bush: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

6:05 am | Comments (0)

wednesday, april 06, 2005

Life Flashes

If you fall off a cliff, and your life flashes before your eyes, when it gets to the part where you fall off the cliff, does it flash again until that part and then flash again in an endless loop?

Maybe I'll just be more careful around cliffs.

9:27 am | Comments (0)

Snake Shooting

An infantry brigade was training in the summer heat, learning methods to counter Soviet offensive tactics. That summer, the area had experienced an infestation of rattlesnakes. Officers and NCOs were given one magazine of live ammunition to counter this danger, as several men had already been bitten.

So much ammunition was expended shooting, supposedly, at snakes that the post commander demanded that every officer and NCO who had shot at a snake present the dead snake as proof that the expenditure of rounds was justifiable.

The next day, the post commander entered his office and spotted a shoe box on his desk. He opened it, revealing a sleepy and sluggish, but very live, rattlesnake. Inside the box were twenty expended cartridges, and a short note. The note said, "I missed."

9:25 am | Comments (0)

monday, april 04, 2005

Government Specs

The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates. Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did they use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts.

So what made these old wheel ruts? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification (Military Spec) for an Imperial Roman army war chariot. Mil-specs and bureaucracies live forever.

So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's behind came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two war horses.

8:43 am | Comments (0)