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wednesday, may 25, 2005

An English Lesson

Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

  • The bandage was wound around the wound.

  • The farm was used to produce produce.

  • The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

  • We must polish the Polish furniture.

  • He could lead if he would get the lead out.

  • The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

  • Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

  • A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

  • When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

  • I did not object to the object.

  • The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

  • There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

  • They were too close to the door to close it.

  • The buck does funny things when the does are present.

  • A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

  • To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

  • The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

  • After a number of injections my jaw got number.

  • Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

  • I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

  • How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people:

Recite at a play and play at a recital?

Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS: Why doesn't "buick" rhyme with "quick"?

6:12 am | Comments (0)

Heat wave

Remember last summer when more than 10,000 people died in France due to the heat wave? Seems French President Jacques Chirac is apologizing for defects in his country's health service. He says he's mostly sorry, though, because he can't find a way to blame the tragedy on the United States.

6:04 am | Comments (0)

Drafting the wills

My cousin, the first year he was a practicing attorney, drafted wills for an elderly husband and wife who had been somewhat apprehensive about discussing death. When they arrived to sign the documents, he ushered the couple into his office. "Now," he said to them, "which one of you wants to go first?"

6:04 am | Comments (0)

monday, may 23, 2005

Short Story

Remember the book 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus?' Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at Penn State.

"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:

------------------------------------------------------

STORY:

(First paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
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(Second paragraph by Gary)

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A. S. Harris to Geostation 17, he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
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(Rebecca)

He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
------------------------------------------------------

(Gary)

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
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(Rebecca)

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
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(Gary)

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels."
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(Rebecca)

nenderthal.
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(Gary)

twit.
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(Rebecca)

jerk.
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(Gary)

Go drink some tea, bore.
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(Professor)

A+ - I really liked this one.

8:24 am | Comments (0)

Cold Winter

It was autumn, and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets, so when he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

One week later he called the National Weather Service again. 'Is it going to be a very cold winter?'

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'

'How can you be so sure?' the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting wood like crazy!'

8:06 am | Comments (0)

Laundry Day

One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his
sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted
to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," She
replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "Texas Aggies."

8:02 am | Comments (0)

Sunday drive

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both women barely large enough to see over the dashboard. As they cruised along, they came to an intersection.. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection, the light was red,and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely Red and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said “Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Wait a minute -- am I driving?"

8:00 am | Comments (0)

thursday, may 19, 2005

Pesky squirrels

There were three country churches in a small Texas town: Presbyterian, Methodist and Catholic. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

The Methodist group got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creations. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

It was only the Catholics who were able to come up with the best and most effective solution: They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.

4:42 pm | Comments (0)

Some other world

Sometimes when I'm bored at work, I stare at my computer screen so long that it appears as if there were several small people staring back at me, like my counterparts in some other world far, far away. The realization that it's a reflection of my co-workers standing behind me laughing tends to diminish the romantic notion a bit, though.

4:40 pm | Comments (0)

Burglars are so stupid

Why do they steal a $500 car radio and leave behind my $1,500 Pinto?

4:38 pm | Comments (0)

tuesday, may 10, 2005

Car Commercial

Funny car commercial (turn up the sound).


car_commercial.wmv (800kb)

11:41 am | Comments (0)

Don't mess with the best

1.6mb

This video was filmed by some Air Force Joint Tactical Air Controllers (JTAC) in Tal Afar, west of Mosul.

They were with a Marine Advisor Support Team, which are attached to Iraqi units and help train their forces on a day-to-day basis. They were in a fairly sustained firefight in the streets of Tal Afar with about 3 Anti-Iraqi Forces (AIF).

They set their video camera on the bumper of their Up-Armored HMMWV which they were using for cover.

You can hear them shooting back and forth. The rounds you can hear are from the Marines and the ones you hear pinging against the side of the vehicle with no accompanying pop are from the AIF.

When the JTACs say they just "fired rifle", that means the aircraft just launched a Maverick. You can hear it come in and see it strike the vehicle the AIF were using for cover.

10:43 am | Comments (0)