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wednesday, august 31, 2005

Low bridge

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "Nope, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

9:58 am | Comments (0)

Frozen Turkeys

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

9:55 am | Comments (0)

Inconspicuous

When you're in deep trouble, say nothing, and try to look inconspicuous...

6:16 am | Comments (0)

tuesday, august 30, 2005

Wandering poodle

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful poodle Cuddles along for company. One day Cuddles starts chasing butterflies, and before long, she discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.

The poodle thinks quickly, and noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on them with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle says, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike. As he slinks away into the trees, he thinks, "Whew, that was close! That poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but Cuddles sees him heading after the leopard with great speed and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans, and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Cuddles sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet. Just when they get close enough to hear, Cuddles says, "Where's that monkey? I can never trust him. I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!"

3:49 am | Comments (0)

thursday, august 25, 2005

Greatest movie line ever

size: 1.1 mb

[video] Says it all for me...

7:13 am | Comments (0)

Surgeon Feedback

Surgeons invited to dinner parties are often asked to carve the meat -- or worse yet, to watch the host carve while commenting on the surgeon's occupation.

At one party, a surgeon friend was watching the carving while Harry, his host, kept up a running commentary: "How am I doing, doc? How do you like that technique? I'd make a pretty good surgeon, don't you think?"

When the host finished and the slices of meat lay neatly on the serving platter, the surgeon spoke up: "Anybody can take them apart, Harry. Now let's see you put them back together again."

4:02 am | Comments (0)

Foresight

Every time I lock my keys in the car, I'm thankful I had the uncommon foresight to keep a brick stashed under the hood.

4:00 am | Comments (0)

wednesday, august 24, 2005

Pierce film to vent

When I microwaved my dinner last night, I noticed the directions read: "Pierce film to vent." I have to admit, it worked! After stabbing it several times with a kitchen knife, I felt much better.

4:11 am | Comments (0)

friday, august 19, 2005

Telemarketer response

The best response for a telemarketer I have ever heard --

The phone rang as I was setting down to my anticipated evening meal, and as I answered it I was greeted with, "Is this Wilhiam Wagenhoss?" This didn't sound anything like my name, so I asked, "Who is calling?"

The telemarketer said he was with The Rubberband-Powered Freezer Company or something like that and then I asked him if he knew Wilhiam personally and why was he was calling this number. I then said off to the side, "Get really good pictures of the body and all the blood."

I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to appear in the local courthouse to testify in this murder case.

I then questioned the calller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call. The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice.

I proceeded to tell him we had located his position at his work place and the police were entering the building to take him into custody. At that point, I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away.

My wife asked me as I returned to our table, why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes.

My meal was cold, but oh-so-very enjoyable.

6:49 am | Comments (0)

wednesday, august 17, 2005

Wet t-shirt contest winner

7:13 am | Comments (0)

tuesday, august 16, 2005

Hillary's first night

Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House. She has waited so long...

The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?" Washington says, "Never tell a lie."

"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears. Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?" Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."

"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."

On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears. Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."

6:04 am | Comments (0)

God speaks to us

A friend of mine was having a bit of marital tension in his household and was trying to figure out just what to do about it.

In the course of our conversation, I happened to mention to him that: "You know, quite often God speaks to us through our wives."

My friend looked at me funny and said, "Wow! I didn't know God used that kind of language!"

4:16 am | Comments (0)

friday, august 12, 2005

Collateral Required

Long ago there was once an old native American who wanted a loan for $500. The banker pulled out the loan application, "What are you going to do with the money?"

"Take jewelry to city and sell it," was the response.

"What have you got for collateral?"

"Don't know collateral."

"Well, that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?"

"Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup."

The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"

"Yes, I have a horse."

"How old is it?"

"Don't know, has no teeth."

Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here to pay." he said. He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off.

"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"

"Put in tepee."

"Why don't you deposit it in my bank," he asked.

"Don't know deposit."

"You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."

The old Indian leaned across the desk, "What you got for collateral?"

5:41 am | Comments (0)

wednesday, august 10, 2005

Black angus

size: 1.2 mb

Video of a news broadcast that proves city folk could use to learn a thing or two.

8:42 am | Comments (0)

tuesday, august 09, 2005

Jury Duty

A man was chosen for jury duty who very much wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin he asked if he could approach the bench.

"Your Honor," he said, " I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in his blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said 'He's a crook! He's guilty, guilty, guilty!' So your Honor, I can not possibly stay on this jury!"

With a tired annoyance, the judge replied, "Get back in the jury box. That man is his lawyer."

5:47 am | Comments (0)

monday, august 08, 2005

The power of the mind

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg -- the phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid.  Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotle  mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh, and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt.

11:35 am | Comments (0)

Fire dog

size: 924 kb

Home video of a helpful pup (courtesy AFV).

9:22 am | Comments (0)

Little Tim

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the rosy-cheeked youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."

4:05 am | Comments (0)

wednesday, august 03, 2005

Mouse problems

730kb

Video of repair technicians troubleshooting an input device problem.

7:21 am | Comments (0)

Order in the court

Real statements made during court cases:


Judge:  I know you, don't I?
Defendant:  Uh, yes.
Judge:  All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant:  Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge:  Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant:  Okay.  I was your bookie.


From a defendant representing himself . . .
Defendant:  Did you get a good look at me when I allegedly stole your purse?
Victim:  Yes, I saw you clearly.  You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant:  I should have shot you while I had the chance.


Judge:  The charge here is theft of frozen chickens.  Are you the defendant?
Defendant:  No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.


Lawyer:  How do you feel about defense attorneys?
Juror:  I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer:  Well, then, you are obviously biased for the  prosecution.
Juror:  That's not true.  I think  prosecutors should be drowned at birth, too.


Judge:  Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror:  I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge:  Can't they do without you at work?
Juror:  Yes, but I don't want them to know it.


Lawyer:  Tell us about the fight.
Witness:  I didn't see no fight.
Lawyer:  Well, tell us  what you did see.
Witness:  I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men swung around and changed partners, they would slap each other, and one fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the other one hit back and somebody pulled a knife and a rifle that had been hidden under a bed, and the air was filled with yelling and smoke and bullets.
Lawyer:  You, too, were shot in the fracas?
Witness:  No sir, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.


Defendant:  Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge:  And why is that?
Defendant:  Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender):  Do you have a comment on the defendant's  motion?
Public Defender:  I'm sorry, Your Honor.  I  wasn't listening.


Judge:  Please identify yourself for the record.
Defendant:  Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.
Judge:  What does the 'Colonel' stand for?
Defendant:  Well, it's kinda like the 'Honorable' in front of your name doesn't mean a thing.


Judge:  You are charged with habitual drunkenness.  Have you anything to say in your defense?
Defendant:  Habitual thirstiness?


Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail):  Can I address the court?
Judge:  Of course.
Defendant:  If I called you an s.o.b, what would you do?
Judge:  I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail.
Defendant:  What if I thought you were an s.o.b.
Judge:  I can't do anything about that.  There's no law against thinking.
Defendant:  In that case, I think you're an s.o.b

7:10 am | Comments (0)