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wednesday, september 28, 2005

What a hoot

Each evening a bird lover, Tom, stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl. One night an owl called back to him. For a year, Tom and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversation." Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in inter-species communication, his wife had a chat with her neighbor. "My husband spends his nights calling out to owls," she said. "That's odd," the neighbor replied, "so does mine."

4:09 am | Comments (0)

tuesday, september 27, 2005

Clueless

Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, every one knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job four years ago he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is buy cigars, play golf, cruise around, and shoot the breeze with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter graduated from college he doesn't even pretend to like me. What should I do?

Signed,

Clueless


Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore. You're a United States Senator from New York -- act like it.

8:31 am | Comments (0)

monday, september 26, 2005

Sad news

A man was sitting next to a blonde, waiting to board a plane in Dallas.  She was engrossed in her newspaper which carried an item with a bold headline reading, "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed."

She shook her head as she pointed out the sad news to the man.

Then, before turning away, she asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"

8:37 am | Comments (0)

Landscapers

Two landscapers were working diligently alongside the streets of a huge office complex. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.

They worked up one side of a street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-man team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick."

5:58 am | Comments (0)

thursday, september 15, 2005

Rattlesnakes

A guy was playing golf with our town's fire chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As he headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned him, "Be careful; the rattlesnakes are out." The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes.

"You've got to be kidding," he replied in astonishment. "People actually call the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?"

"Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on fire?'"

3:53 am | Comments (0)

tuesday, september 13, 2005

Roe v. Wade

When asked how he felt about Roe versus Wade, George W. Bush replied frankly, "I don't care how people got out of New Orleans, as long as they got out."

7:21 am | Comments (0)

thursday, september 08, 2005

Patrol Monkey

A tourist visiting New York City walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, a police officer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take a Patrol monkey, please." The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop, and took out a monkey. He fit it with a collar and leash and handed it to the officer saying, "That'll be $1,000." The officer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey is an expert in firing small arms, can write 20 tickets a month, and is certified in small unit tactics -- well worth the money!"

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?"

"Oh, that one's a POST certified Technician Patrol monkey; it can instruct other monkeys in basic firearms skills, counter-terrorism training, physical training, small unit tactics, and investigative techniques, and it can even type. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a large cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $70,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"

The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's a Sergeant."

5:15 am | Comments (0)

tuesday, september 06, 2005

Getting old

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 83 years old now, and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby!"

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

7:00 am | Comments (0)