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friday, january 13, 2006

Why?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

6:21 am | Comments (0)

friday, january 06, 2006

Larry at Home Depot

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[video] Larry the Cable Guy talks with Jay Leno about Home Depot.

8:25 am | Comments (0)

thursday, january 05, 2006

Scout vision

An old Wild West fort is about to be attacked. The wily old general sends for his trusty Indian scout. "You must use all your thirty years of skill in trying to estimate the sort of army we are up against here."

The trusty Indian scout lies down and puts his ear to the ground. "Heap large war party," he says, "maybe three hundred braves, four chiefs, two on black stallions, two on white stallions. All have war paint. Many, many guns.
Medicine man also with them."

"Good grief!" exclaims the general. "You can tell all of that just by listening to the ground?"

"No," replies the Indian, "I can see under the gate."

3:53 am | Comments (0)

Blonde traffic stop

A blonde female police officer pulls over a blonde gal in a car for speeding. She walks up to the car and asks her for her driver's license. She searches through her purse in vain. Finally she asks, "What does it look like?"

The officer tells her, "It's that thing with your picture on it." The driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it, and sure enough sees herself.

She hands the compact to the cop. After a few seconds looking at the compact, the cop rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to the driver, and says, "If you would have told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over, we could have avoided this whole thing."

3:47 am | Comments (0)

wednesday, january 04, 2006

Pesky penguin

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A penguin with a death wish.

6:59 am | Comments (0)

2005 Darwin Award Nominee

[13 January 2005, Croatia] One fateful afternoon, 55-year-old Marko retreated to his semi-detached workshop to make himself a tool for chimney cleaning. The chimney was too high for a simple broom to work, but if he could attach a brush to a chain and then weigh it down with something, that would do the trick. But what could he use as a weight?

He happened to have the perfect object. It was heavy, yet compact. And best of all, it was made of metal, so he could weld it to the chain. He must have somehow overlooked the fact that it was also a hand grenade and was filled with explosive material.

Marko turned on his welding apparatus and began to create an arc between the chain and the grenade. As the metal heated up, the grenade exploded. The force of the explosion killed poor Marko instantly, blasting shrapnel through the walls of the shed and shattering the windshield of a Mercedes parked outside. Marko's chimney was untouched, however.

6:53 am | Comments (0)

Good friends

Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting that park every sunny day, for over 12 years, chatting and enjoying each other's friendship.

One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says, "Please don't be angry with me dear, but I'm embarrassed. After all these years, what is your name? I'm trying to remember, but I just can't."

The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed says nothing for two full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says, "How soon do you have to know?"

6:50 am | Comments (0)