« August 2006 | Main | October 2006 »

friday, september 29, 2006

Redneck firewood

“Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....did the Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep!"

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

7:23 am | Comments (0)

wednesday, september 27, 2006

God and Satan

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.


7:39 am | Comments (1)

tuesday, september 26, 2006

Stranded

Stranded in the swamp for days with no food, I had no choice but to hunt down large white birds and eat them. Through the whole ordeal, I found myself filled with egret.

5:43 pm | Comments (0)

monday, september 25, 2006

Mathematics professor turns plumber

A professor of mathematics noticed that his kitchen sink at his home leaked. He called a plumber. The plumber came the next day and sealed a few screws, and everything was working as before.

The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.

"This is one-third of my monthly salary!" he yelled.

Well, all the same he paid it and then the plumber said to him, "I understand your position as a professor. Why don't you come to our company and apply for a plumber position?
You will earn three times as much as a professor. But remember, when you apply, tell them that you completed only seven elementary classes. They don't like educated people."

So it happened. The professor got a job as a plumber and his life significantly improved. He just had to seal a screw or two occasionally, and his salary went up significantly.

One day, the board of the plumbing company decided that every plumber had to go to evening classes to complete the eighth grade. So, our professor had to go there too. It just happened that the first class was math. The evening teacher, to check students' knowledge, asked for a formula for the area of a circle. The person asked was the professor. He jumped to the board, and then he realized that he had forgotten the formula. He started to reason it, and he filled the white board with integrals, differentials, and other advanced formulas to conclude the result he forgot. As a result, he got "minus pi times r square."

He didn't like the minus, so he started all over again. He got the minus again. No matter how many times he tried, he always got a minus. He was frustrated. He gave the class a frightened look and saw all the plumbers whisper: "Switch the limits of the integral!"

3:41 am | Comments (0)

sunday, september 24, 2006

Henry the Entomologist

It had been a horrible week for Henry.

An entomologist (insect scientist) at the local university, he was up for a promotion this year. With the promotion would come tenure. But there was a problem. It was not that he couldn't teach. His Biology 210 classes were always packed, and two years ago he was honored by the undergraduates by being named their favorite teacher.

No, his problem was with his research. He hadn't had a successful research project in several years. The last paper that he'd published was three years ago. In an age of "Publish or Perish," this was not a good situation, particularly for a non-tenured professor.

The week started with a shock. He received notice that his research grants would not be renewed for the coming year.
And, if that was not enough, the dean called him into his office to tell him his contract would not be renewed unless he had a paper accepted for publication by a major entomology journal before the end of the school year.

Depressed, he left the University as soon as his morning lecture was over so that he could work in his garden. In the past, this had always had been effective in relieving tension. But to his chagrin, he found most of his roses were dying. On closer examination found they were infested with a parasite.

But what were these insects? They appeared to belong to the order Anapleura. That was strange. Anapleura infected mammals, not plants.

He examined them more closely. Small. Wingless. Definitely a species of Pediculosis, but one he had never seen before.

He gathered up several specimens and rushed to his lab, full of new vigor. He examined the insects in detail and rapidly wrote an article describing this new species of insect.

Well, I'm sure you know the result. The article was immediately accepted by the American Journal of Entomology.
His job was saved and he received his most coveted tenure.
And, he received a new major grant to study this new species.

You could say he had discovered a new lice on leaf.

7:18 pm | Comments (0)

tuesday, september 19, 2006

The Cowboy

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers. This cowboy was fair game.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He strides back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.

"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MAH HOSS?"

No one answered.

"ALRIGHT," he said, "AH'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHER BEER, AN IF MAH HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME AH FINISH, AH'M GONNA DO WHAT I DID IN TEXAS! AN AH DON'T WANT TO HAVE DO WHAT I DID IN TEXAS !"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly as the cowboy slowly, silently nursed his second beer. That done, he left the saloon and discovered his horse had been returned. He saddles up and prepares to ride out of town.

The bartender wanders out of the saloon and asks, "Say partner, before you go ... What happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "Ah hadda walk home."

6:16 am | Comments (0)

thursday, september 14, 2006

Irish Priest in Texas

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

7:08 am | Comments (0)

monday, september 11, 2006

Bad career move

Once, I worked as an operator on an old IBM 370/Model 138 mainframe at a local college. My position had been reclassified so that it fell into a new area outside of the Information Technology staff.

One day, my new supervisor entered the room and stared at the unit directly behind me. He studied the flashing lights for a few moments and asked what job it was currently processing.

I then ended my career by replying, "Actually, sir, it's cooling the room. The computer is over there."

9:23 am | Comments (0)